And then life hits...

As a mom I am under no illusion that my time is my own. This is no complaint, this is just what my life consists of. I run off the feelings, emotions, health, and all else of four little beings. The way they do any of the a fore mentioned things can dictate how my life goes, and as a mom, that is just a fact. The reason I'm mentioning this is, my sweet sweet little Evie is sick. My project 365 days 8, 9, and 10 aren't being posted as I normally would. Why? Because my life, well it pauses when my wee one runs the highest fever, in my history as a mom(insert severe panic that you can't see, here). I've been nursing her constantly. She hates the taste of medicine(even the tastier variety) and I've had to get creative on how I dose her. I've had her stripped down to her diaper since the fever first made its presence known(and by the way, fever, I'd like it if you took a long walk off a short cliff. I HATE seeing my baby so sick). I've done all my mommy tricks, even made a last ditch effort and took her to the ER to no avail. Not an ear infection, not the flu, not a uti, not pneumonia. No answers. Still have a fever and a miserable baby.

Sigh, hardest thing to do as a mom. THE ABSOLUTE HARDEST, is to not be able to fix things immediately. My baby in pain is the most horrible feeling, deep down in my heart, in the world. As I mention this, miss Evie is not the only child, or situation I'm referring to. My older girls, while I didn't mention the anniversary, are missing their poppy. Songs remind them of him, words I say, pictures, and right now they hurt. Emotions are still so raw. When you lose someone, it's like time stops. There isn't a day since they left this world, that you go without thinking of them. And it's hard to go through, as an ADULT. Now, my children are going through this too. My dad, their Poppy, was a big presence in their lives. They were lucky to have him. We all were. He would follow where ever we went, because these girls and myself, were his heart. He was far from an emotional man. But he followed us. He followed his heart. And we knew. We all knew it. Especially my girls, so it makes losing him incredibly hard. My time with him was far too brief. A daughter should have her father for much longer than 25 years. And my babies, my sweet babies, it's so unfair that they lost him so incredibly young.

As I write this I know there are others who lost loved ones sooner than we did. And I feel for them, more than words can say. I can't even begin to imagine their pain, or their journey. But watching my babies grieve the loss of my daddy is TERRIBLE. I can't touch that hurt. I can't bring him back(and I would if I could. I would go to the ends of the earth and back, give up anything, I would do anything), and I can't make them hurt any less. It kills me inside that all I can do is say "I miss him too baby", and cry with them. My heart shatters with each tear that falls. I miss him, he's my daddy. But watching them hurt, it kills me inside. He is the best Poppy. He was there. Be it a birthday, a birth, a holiday, or just the opportunity to make a memory-- he was ALWAYS there. If you needed him, even to talk, he was as close as a phone call away. Having that ripped away from me, but more importantly, them, is so hard. I digress. I could go on about this all day. We miss him.

But this is my life as a mommy. Sometimes the things I want to do, are put on the back-burner. I'm every bit okay with that. It is how it should be. One day, they'll know. And until then, they feel important, loved, and safe. THAT'S my ultimate goal. To make it known that there isn't a single thing on this earth, that is more important or that I love even remotely as much as I love them. There is no hobby, no to do list, no "break" that I need, that comes before they do. And this brings me back to my 365!

It's time to play catch up while I hold one of the four most precious souls while she naps(and secretly wish I could physically manhandle this darn fever and make it get OUT off my sweet little girl). My project 365, well it's more than just a hobby. It's documenting my day to day life with these amazing little souls. They will be grown before I know it. I plan to soak this up and remember all the special little details. They are the things I'll have tucked away in my memory to make me smile. Those "tiny" things that make up each day--that's what life is about. There is no party I can go to or bar and drink that will find a spot in my memory when I have bedtime stories, giggles, tickle fights, boogie men to scare away, backs to tickle, smiles to look on, little faces to wipe, baby feet to touch, special talks to have, and THAT'S JUST THE CONDENSED VERSION--life as a mommy is HARD, but it's also a gift. One I promise to not take for-granted(and in this, I hope I'm doing my daddy, and his memory proud. If there is one single lesson that I had to choose to take away from my time with him, it's that family and making memories is FIRST priority). I will cherish these tiny moments, each milestone, and I'll be proud that they are my life. It's okay to put everything else aside, everything else can either wait, or it wasn't important anyway.

Here are my past few days. Normally I only add a photo a day, but these past few days warrant a few more, I think.

PROJECT 365-Day 8

you can see, in the background of this(iphone)picture, the mess that still sits......I need to put away decorations, but that can wait. This baby needs her mommy.

PROJECT 365-Day 9
my little Lucy was playing dress up and fell asleep in full Alice in wonderland attire. Her sweet little face and curls. I hope her dreams are as sweet as she is. Side note, incandescent lighting is my nemesis.

PROJECT 365-Day 10
today, still holding this sweet, feverish wee one.

These are not my best work. In my defense, I'm in the photo and was adjusting the settings after each frame, then holding it above my head, that's my opinion from the technical standpoint of my images. As a mommy though, these are pictures I will treasure. My baby, safe in my arms. She's sick but feels safe and comfortable enough to sleep on me. I'm a comfort item. I hope I always will be.

With that, I think that sums up my post for today(and the past few). Think fever reducing thoughts for us :) so I can have my active little smile machine back. Motherhood is calling, gotta answer!