I'm heartbroken right now. I won't tell the kids just how upset I am, but I don't care if the rest of the world knows. I'm hurting. Physically and emotionally and I hate to be writing this post at all. I wish this weren't our reality right now. This just wasn't what I expected. I had hope. I was being positive. Sadly, sometimes that's not enough.
Saturday morning I woke up with mild cramping and a sharp pain on my right side. I noticed some spotting. I just knew something wasn't right. I did the best I could to wait and see if I could go in on Monday, but the pain got worse and so did my worries. I kissed Trav goodbye and he reassured me that everything was fine. That I was just over-reacting as usual. I secretly prayed he was right. I walked out the door, drove onto post, and told them everything so far. Then I began the longest wait of my life.
I arrived at just before 4 p.m. and I sat. They did triage, my mind was a blur with all the possibilities of what could be wrong. I felt too good. I just knew I had been feeling way too good with this pregnancy. Normally I am so sick, this time I felt great. Until this very moment. My name was called and I told my story to another person. Urine sample and back to waiting. I was called back at about 4:45. 3 vials of blood drawn at 5:09. No word on when I would know the results so again I waited. At just after 6 the doctor entered. And he said it. He said what I knew already, but hearing it out loud by a doctor somehow made it more real. Miscarriage, ectopic, threatened miscarriage. That's all I heard. He said several other possibilities.
Then it was on to possibly the second worse moment that day, a pelvic exam. Be aware, that if you don't want to know about my personal life in this capacity--stop reading here. I have never felt so violated in my life. It hurt. He opened and closed the clamps suggesting he couldn't find my cervix. I could tell it was making me bleed more. I closed my eyes tight and clenched my teeth and fists and held back the tears. This HURT. When it was finally over, they said my results would be back in an hour. And out of the room they went. I was now waiting on an ultrasound.
As I sat there, I couldn't stop thinking of all the things that could be going wrong. The minutes were dragging. I was watching as the sun sank down behind the trees. It was now 8:00. No one checked in. Finally, at 8:10 they pulled me back for an ultrasound. She was cold. She was calculated. She knew what I was afraid of. She didn't want to give me any cues, or get too emotionally attached. That's the moment I just KNEW deep down in my heart, something was wrong. She didn't speak to me the entire 15 minutes that she did the ultrasound. She turned the screen away so I couldn't see. When she turned on the doppler to hear a heartbeat........I heard none but my own. I started to cry. I already knew what that meant. I was praying for a miracle. Praying it was too early.
She finally finished. I wiped my tears and asked her "Is there anything you can tell me?" "No. You have to wait for the doctor". My heart sank. As many ultrasounds as I've had, I have never been given that answer. I've heard of other people getting that answer when there was bad news. I know they can't divulged medical info, but they are usually hopeful and comforting. This meant to me, there was no hope to be had. I asked "Can you tell me if this went good or bad?", she said "Nope. That's a good way for me to lose my job". She turned and walked out of the room saying she would be back to have someone wheel me back to my room. I sobbed in that stupid little chair. Staring at all the ultrasound pictures of healthy babies on the wall. Knowing that wasn't my fate.
A nurse came back and didn't look at my face, he wheeled me back to my room and adjusted the bed and told me I would be waiting a while. He was right. He slipped back out of the room and began to talk to the nurses at the nurse station. I could hear my nurse "I think she said something to her in ultrasound", another nurse "why?", my nurse "She's crying", another nurse "Maybe she just knows something is wrong, her test results didn't look good. Why don't you ask her what she said about the ultrasound". My nurse entered my room again, "So what did they say in ultrasound?", "Nothing" I said. "They never do" he muttered as he walked right back out the door.
I was now waiting again. Waiting and crying as quietly as I could. I knew how paper thin the walls were. I waited and cried until I got a migraine. I was alone and I wanted to go home RIGHT then. at 8:55 I went to the nurses station asking them to take my I.V. out. I wanted it out, it was hurting, it had been there for so long and I just wanted to walk out before they gave me the bad news. I wanted to RUN out of that hospital. I felt as if somehow, I could leave right then that none of this would be real. I wouldn't hear the actual words. I would get to be blissfully ignorant and happy again. They refused to take out my I.V. and said someone would be in to talk to me soon. Another hour ticked by slowly.
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I was pacing the room and seriously considering taking the I.V. out myself. It was freely strung into my arm. I wasn't receiving medicine. I hadn't had any medicine, that I knew of. I would later find out what purpose this awful thing served and that I had already received medicine. I went back out to complain again about the I.V. and told them that my migraine was so bad that if I didn't get some tylenol or something soon, I was going to get sick. I had been there for 5 hours at this point and never offered water, or told where I could get some myself. I was pregnant, as far as I knew, and I was getting dehydrated. The crying was worsening that, I'm sure.
Finally my nurse came back, he wanted to give me some really strong medicine. I said "I'm pregnant and I can't take that". He looked puzzled and said "Are you?" and flipped through my chart, "so you are" he answered himself. I asked if my numbers looked okay and he told me the doctor would have to tell me. Another bad sign. He finally left the room to get some water and tylenol and some zofran that was going to be administered through my I.V. He informed me they had already given me some earlier. I was under the impression they would ASK me if I wanted any medication. I thought they were flushing it out with saline.
I asked my nurse to PLEASE take the I.V. out now. He said that he couldn't, he might need to give me more medication after the doctor spoke with me. He left the room again. I covered my eyes, tried to breathe in and out the best I could. I tried to will my migraine away. Every set of footsteps that passed by the door made me nervous. I heard my name called out. I don't know exactly how long it had been, far too long from when I heard my results were available, but sometime after 10 p.m. a new doctor came into my room. He didn't look like he was about to deliver a crushing blow? I was so confused. I tried to sit up, and he asked me to lie back down. That sick feeling came back.
He said "So I have your ultrasound results. They got in about 1 second ago. The ultrasound looks good. Normal. 7 weeks 1 day. No heartbeat. And your levels were tested on August 3rd or August 5th, I can't remember...." I chimed in "it was on the 5th, they were..." , "yes yes, 1400. Today they are 1000. The only thing that this could mean is that the baby has passed and you are miscarrying. I'm sorry if this isn't the news you wanted to hear". Without skipping a beat or giving me time to process that information, he continues "So can you please get someone to come and pick you up? We can give you pain medication through your I.V. the pain will stop immediately". I was sobbing harder now. I couldn't think. He kept asking questions. He wanted to sedate me. I began to feel like I was just another room number and "issue" for them to take care of.
My head was spinning but I know that I got out that no one could pick me up, my kids were at home in bed and my husband was with them. He then asked how I wanted my medicine. I think I said that I would take it at home. He hurried out of the room. I cried and cried and screamed and I didn't care WHO could hear me. My heart was just shattered into a million pieces. I felt so helpless. So hopeless. My poor baby, why? What did I do wrong? What did I do to cause this? My mind was running away with all the things I MUST have done wrong.
The nurse comes back and says "I have your medicine. So how is your migraine? Did we get rid of it?" then he finally looked at me. My face and part of my shirt were covered in tears. My room had no tissue, so I was a complete and total mess. He says "oh...you got bad news". I wanted to SCREAM, but instead I just nodded. he went over my discharge papers, my medication, and FINALLY went to take out that awful I.V. He asked me if this were my first child, I told him it was not. He asked how many I had and I answered 4. His face was twisted in shock and he said "well you've got a lot anyway". He suggested he walk me to the front desk, making sure we avoided public areas, and then asked the front desk if they had a phone number I could have in case I needed to "talk" to someone. I mumbled my way through the conversation, side stepping and nodding so I could just get out of that room. Once outside, the tears came back.
And I just cried. All the way to the car, all the way home. I don't know how I drove home. But I got there. And there Travis was holding the baby at the top of the stairs. He came down, and I put my head on his shoulder and cried again. I don't honestly remember what he said at that point exactly. I was just so ready to be there, to be with him. For him to wrap his arms around me and let me cry without judgement.
He helped me up the stairs and into the kitchen. He asked me what happened and I couldn't say it. He asked if he should just read the papers I held in my hand, I nodded and pretty much blurted it out. I lost our baby. I recounted my story to him, the best I could, and cried more.
I guess that's the point of this awful story. Baby Hogan number 5 grew it's wings. I lost him or her. All those amazing feelings of the unknown future, all the baby thoughts, our kids smiling faces so happy to add one more to our big family. All gone. Totally gone. It hurt worse than I had ever imagined. It stung deep down into my core. As it stands right now, we are going through the process of making sure everything levels back out. As bad as Saturday was, Sunday night was worse.
In all of this, the only thing I know is that I am married to the right man. Sometimes he doesn't know what to say. Sometimes he doesn't always say the right thing. But he always, ALWAYS tries. He never stops trying. And he hugs me when I need it and can hardly stand on my own. He worries and he would never let me know it. And I'm thankful for him. Without him, I wouldn't get through this. I still feel like I won't, but then there he is.
As I write this I'm crying again. I'm so sorry it's so long, but it feels like it needed to be. This baby is so loved. It is wanted. And now it's gone. I hope these simple words can do some justice. Some type of healing even though right now it hurts so much I feel like I've lost a part of my heart. Please don't for one second think I'm ungrateful for my four already amazing girls. I love them with every tiny bit of me. But just as I love each of them, I loved this child before it was ever here.
Letting go is so hard. Harder than anything I could have ever imagined. I suppose I will end this here. I honestly don't know how to close this other than saying, thank you for reading if you managed to get all the way through this.
Love you Jes! You did nothing wrong, I promise you! You're the best mother I know! I hate that they were so cold to you. But please know you'll see your beautiful baby one day and that you're amazing.
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