A Mother's Love

Healing will apparently be an ongoing thing for me. This is not a hurt everyone can see. It's not a pain I would ever wish on my worst enemy. It's nothing that I was ever able to wrap my mind around before it happened to me.

I went from loving this tiny little person, this little one growing inside me and anticipating their arrival to grieving their death before I was ever able to hold them in my arms. As childish as this sounds, I feel like it's not fair. I hurt from the bottom of my heart, I hurt.

I feel the need to write down some things, not so much for me, but for friends. Friends I have come to find through one(or more) of the worst experiences in our lives. Friends who I have never actually set eyes on, but have read their words, felt their pain, and offered a shoulder to, as they offered theirs to me. It's a club none of us want to be a part of. One that holds one of the greatest sadness any person can experience in their lifetime.

While I physically may look fine, there is a gaping hole in my heart. One that nothing will ever be able to fill, or touch. As much as I want to think one day, it will be "okay", I just can't imagine I will ever get used to my child going before me. I just can't think of anyone who would settle into life so quietly after a piece of their heart goes to heaven.

I want to believe one day this pain will go away. Deep down I know that's never going to be the case. I'll always long for my children I've lost. Yes, children. That wasn't a typo. I thought it was too taboo to talk about, until now. Now I know "we" collectively need a voice. In silence we suffer. In silence we hide. In silence, we're alone. So my question is, why should we remain silent?

The answer is simple, we shouldn't. We shouldn't be ashamed, but sadly many of us are. Some people just won't understand. That's life. But the fear of them shutting us down and telling us our pain is invalid, it's paralyzing. I have been luckier than most, my friends and family have been very supportive. But sadly, that is not the norm. Some women are told they shouldn't be upset. Some are told it was "just not meant to be".

And what does that mean? What exactly does it mean that our child was not supposed to live? How does that settle the sadness deep down inside of us? Is that supposed to comfort us? NO. It hurts. I can tell you one thing, all of my babies that I lost FAR too early, were meant to be. They were mine. They ARE mine. And while I never held them in my arms, I held them in my body for a time, and now I hold them in my heart. Even if they were never destined for life here with me, they still remain. I won't EVER forget them.

Some may ask, "Why do you torture yourself? It's not healthy, you should just move on" . To that I must ask, if I ever forgot about ANY of my children living or not, what kind of mother would you think me? I won't ever stop loving ANY of my children. Even if it means a part of me hurts, always. That is what we are supposed to do as mothers. Love. Plain, simple, and whole. There are NO exceptions. There are no limits or ending to a mother's love for her child. That's what we were put on this earth to do. Love our children, unconditionally.

There's no time stamp to it. It doesn't expire, not even when I do. And that's the plan all along. I have been asked, much to my dismay "Well you have four children, you have so many! Why are you so upset?", how could I NOT be? The loss of a life I was carrying is not any easier because I have children. Death does not become easier to deal with simply because I have them. I love them with all that I am, JUST as I love my unborn children. Just as I loved them before I ever cradled them in my arms. A mother's love just is.

 As for our husbands, some understand, some don't. It's hard for them to completely know. As my husband said, he was sad to lose our baby but they become a true "father" when the child is born. That's when they feel that undying bond. Mother's experience that from the moment we know our baby exists. With this, I'm not suggesting that father's don't feel a love for their unborn child or that they don't bond in ways. It's just hard for them to grasp the depth of which our love goes for something so tiny. Something and someone who is so small within us.

I completely get that. It's a love only a mother can truly explain. It engulfs you, it is overwhelming, it's beautiful, and sometimes, it's heart wrenching. But as much as I hurt I will tell you this, not for one moment do I regret loving any of my children from the very start. And I will unconditionally love them for the rest of my life. I have loved them all from the moment I knew they were there, maybe before, and my love for them will last them an eternity.


So while some may feel alone in this sadness. In this hurt, please know there are many of us in this "club". And with each passing day, I understand that your love for any and all of your children doesn't fade. It's there with joy and with pain, every passing second. And you're not alone and you're feelings are valid. I know there's no fix for this, there's nothing to cure it, nothing to cure a mother's love. We love so hard, so much, so strong that it's almost a physical feeling. You, my friend, are not alone.

And for my friends who haven't experienced a loss, please know I am very happy for you. I don't want anyone I care for to experience hurt, especially this. I would honestly love to absolve everyone from this forever. Please know, quite frankly, we envy you. We still love you so very much and are genuinely happy for you in all ways possible, through all your happy times. Sometimes we wish you would "understand" without ever actually having to know this pain. But you can't and that's okay. If you love someone who is going through this, the only thing I ask is that you hug them tight and let them know it's OKAY to feel everything that they feel. We need this. We need you.


Thank you again, for reading an incredibly long post.